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November 22, 2012
November 22, 2012

Letter from Angela Merkel to the Portuguese

Source: Visão  Category: Letters from home
This article is also available in: eselpt-pt
Letter from Angela Merkel to the Portuguese

My dear Portugiesisch,

Let me first start by clarifying that when I say “my dear” [caros in portuguese], I do value my words. In fact, you are more and more mine, and you continue to be quite expensive [caros as well in portuguese]. There is already an ongoing process that will make you a little bit cheaper, although you’re still too pricey for my liking. I do believe that I’m not being sexist when I say that all the ladies appreciate a good sales season, and therefore I argue that the salary cuts and austerity imposed on you can and shall go further. Europe needs 70% discount on the Portuguese. Two words: full liquidation.

I want to say that I gladly received your numerous open letters.

I confess that I find most of them not enough fluffy or touching. Without wanting to be ungrateful to those who were so nice to send them to me, I do prefer letters written in aromatic double sheet paper. A suggestion for my future pen-friends.

I also saw the very interesting video that you prepared for us. It was very well done and it is something to be proud of because, in Germany, few are the students of the 8th grade that can do such good group works. I was surprised with the information included in the movie.

I did not know that the Portuguese work more hours, have less vacation and retire later that the Germans.

What is your excuse then for living in worse condition than us? I am sure that the problem does not come from your leaders. All those I know take their mission to serve quite seriously.

My visit to your country was very pleasant. I have seen proud and beautiful people. I even proposed to Pedro Passos Coelho, such a pleasant foreman, that I should have a primae noctis right, a common practice in suzerainty relationships like ours. It is time to resume such beautiful traditions.

I will be waiting for news concerning young couples. Please, do send photos.

Regarding the crisis, I would like to remind you that economic politics is 50% psychology. The problem is that the Portuguese suffer from mental perturbations. Hunger itself is psychological.

Portugal needs, above all, antidepressants. I can recommend you two or three, produced by excellent German pharmaceutical companies. If you want, we can send them. But you have to pay first, enough is enough.

An austere kiss from your Angela Merkel.

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